I had always imagined healing would be this ethereal experience. The sun shining, a community of support, basking in a feeling of wholeness…
Healing, for me, involves the start of a reconciliation between my understanding of reality and Reality.
Reality is the knowing that there is only ONE. That we are all connected. That there is a higher purpose. There is limitless potential. A limitless capacity for love.
reality involves accepting what is… Just the way it is right now. reality is feeling our limits. Being with our disappointment and grief. reality is rolling up our sleeves.
Reality is the boundless love that grew for my children as I carried and birthed them. reality is the pain of pushing them out. The hard work– sweat, screams, blood, feces.
Reality is the ways that I am connected to my son and my daughter. Reality is the reasons they chose me. The lessons I am learning from them. reality is the fact that they whine. reality is rushing off to school and work in the morning.
This year grief is healing me. Letting myself feel it. Retreating inside to explore the depths of my disappointment in reality. Questioning Reality…
It takes honesty. Speaking that which I was afraid to admit, even to myself.
It takes courage. Being willing to look at the dark and shadowy places to uncover what is underneath.
It takes commitment. Staying with what is, despite discomfort. And if the what is was anger, disconnection, apathy, to be with that too.
Grief is serving as a pathway to a more authentic relationship with Reality.
Not what I had imagined. Not flowery. Not easy. Illuminating and rapturous.